The 1960s featured a lot of great dance moves, like the mashed potato, gravy, twist, and bird. But don’t feel bad, the modern woman now has cool sounding dating trends such as the breadcrumb, orbit, zombie, bench, and submarine.
On second thought… yeah, you should feel bad, because none of these moves are anywhere near as fun as dancing. As a matter of fact, they’re much more likely to elicit crying, drinking, and binge eating of chocolate and ice cream.
But knowledge is power – and these are the eleven modern dating trends you’ll want to stay clear of if you are currently single (or planning to be soon).
Almost every modern dating trend begins with a peacock. These are the guys who like to strut around displaying their feathers for all women to see. But if you look closely, you will see that heavenly sheen is only cologne and hair gel. Who wakes up in the morning with hair gel and a perfect ab shot? Not a real man… just a poser peacock player.
One of the most frustrating parts of being in a relationship – is when you are the only one who thinks you are in one. Breadcrumbing is when a guy says all the right things that make a girl feel gushy inside, but follows through with only enough to make you feel like a used, dried up slab of chewing gum on the sidewalk. A man is only as worthy as his follow through.
Some men like to lead a trail of women with crumbs, while others prefer to jar them like cookies. Think of it this way, when you open a jar to see a heap of cookies, you may smile, and compliment their existence. But there will only be a couple that will end up being savored and forgotten. Rarely does one special cookie ever come out of a batch – so your best play is to stay out of the jar all together.
Nobody likes a guy who overfishes the dating seas. The trick is to recognize these fishermen before they reel you in. Hint: they prefer to hang out where most fish tend to spawn, including dating websites, bars, and clubs. But isn’t that the only places a girl can find a guy? No, there are many places a girl can find a good man.
The cold hard truth is that if you are being benched, you are really doing it to yourself. A man can lead you on or drop you in a jar, but it is by choice to warm the bench while waiting to get in the game. Is there really a man out there who feels okay leaving you on a bench who is worth waiting on? I’ve yet to meet one who was.
One step up from the bench is being orbited by some bloated, gas-filled man-planet. It may make you feel special as he glides by in a macho strut to remind you of how lucky you are to be within his regular path. But let’s just stop to consider where he has been lately. Eww… you should say and then send it back on its way.
A ghost will appear and disappear from your life without so much as saying goodbye. This is often what happens to the choice cookies who actually make it out of the jar. But it doesn’t always end there. You see, zombies and Submarines occasionally get mistaken for a ghost – and we’ll get to those in a bit.
Casper is a friendly ghost. He is so friendly, that when he decides that he is finished with a relationship, he drops by to say goodbye before disappearing. He may not offer much of an explanation for why this is happening, so good luck at finding any real closure. But we will give him credit where credit is due.
While a ghost comes and goes, a zombie will disappear and then reappear without much recollection of ever leaving. “Why would you think we broke up,” the zombie says scratching his head. “I just got a little busy for a couple of months – no big deal.”
When a ghost reappears in your life more than once, it becomes known as a submarine. These vessels tend to surface and sink into the deep abyss during certain times. Such as when a better (in their opinion) fish comes along, or when the word “relationship” begins to surface in your vocabulary too frequently. But considering these vessels are mostly full of hot air, they can be dangerous, but also easy to sink.
Gas can be dangerous, especially when you tend to let the flames get high early in a relationship. These guys like to manipulate your emotions in order to take control. How do they do it? They belittle you with criticism and insight on everything you do wrong in the relationship. You start to feel pretty unwanted, undeserving, and just plain lucky to have someone who will (just barely) put up with you.
Well, we’ve already discussed just how full of gas and hot air most of these guys are, so mark them with a red X, poke them with a needle, and let them blow far out to sea.